(long but worth the read)
The other day I was looking over what would have been my kids' weekend sports schedule had we not entered a shutdown. Tristan, 13, would have had a soccer doubleheader, with games at 9:30 a.m. and 3 p.m. last Saturday, each matchup a 30-minute drive away from the other. Aspen, 6, had a game scheduled at a third field at noon. And Norah, 10, was signed up for gymnastics practice in a fourth location 40 minutes away at 11 a.m.
To make it all happen, my wife, Mel, and I would have gotten up early on Saturday and sat next to each other at the breakfast table, hunched over the family calendar, factoring it all in: the extracurriculars, the grocery store, the miscellaneous errands. Then it would have been time to wrestle our children into their uniforms and round up cleats and shin guards in the far corners of our home, both of us setting sail in different directions by 8:30 a.m.
We would have returned home around dinnertime, stressed but with just enough energy to cajole the sweaty kids into finishing up any weekend school work, while putting groceries away and making dinner. Bedtime would have been later than we'd like, with Mel and I having spent most of the day apart, our family together only in shifts - all of it a beautifully orchestrated mess of making sure our children were taking full advantage of the opportunities we can afford to maximize their childhood.
During THE PANDEMICBut with soccer and gymnastics canceled, and Mel and I doing our shopping online, last Saturday, we got up late and spent the morning as a family in our small garden. We pulled weeds, and talked about Covid-19-related news. We discussed extended family and friends we were worried about. We laughed some, and the children complained, which was expected. But on the whole, there was no rushing. No driving. No scheduling. No scrambling to find Norah's gymnastics outfit that she "forgot" to put in the laundry basket.
That afternoon we streamed the new "The Call of the Wild" movie with Harrison Ford. In the evening we sat around the backyard fire pit that Mel and I finally found the time to build the weekend before, telling stories and roasting marshmallows. Looking back, it was probably the most wholesome and family oriented Saturday since 1955.
As unsettling as Covid-19 has been, I cannot help but look at how all these opportunities we signed our children up for to help develop their bodies and minds have kept us from spending simple Saturdays as a family.
And I'm not only spending more time with my children, I'm also spending more time with my wife. With no school, no activities, no church obligations, no running to the store, Mel and I find ourselves going on long drives again, like the old days. Sometimes we walk the dog, eat meals together or watch movies. Before the virus locked down the country, it felt like we were two workers on opposite shifts, managing the same project of raising a family, but almost never working in the same room.
I'll admit, there is beauty in a well-coordinated marriage where all obligations are handled, and for years I've taken pride in how effectively Mel and I manage so much by working together. But at the same time, I've missed working alongside my wife instead of handing off duties as we head in separate directions. Now, with our obligations pared down significantly, it's been pretty wonderful having her at my side again.
Listen, I don't want to downplay how much this pandemic has hurt the world. I've never felt so much uncertainty in my whole life. People are losing family members and friends, along with their livelihoods. And don't even get me started on the sickening uptick in domestic violence going on worldwide.
Honestly, I've been an anxious mess ever since the world changed, just waiting for the inevitable layoffs to be announced at the university I work for, and the school where my wife teaches. But we can do this as we have gotten this far! And it has dfinitely made our family unit much stronger.
I've had more time to reflect on my family and our obligations than ever before, and it's only now that the activities we used to fuss over have been stripped away that I'm starting to rethink how much of it is necessary.
I'm rethinking how much time Mel and I should've been dedicating to our marriage all along, and I'm realizing how much I missed the simplicity we had before children, when we had nothing more pressing to do than go for a drive.
So in this moment of reflection, I'm taking an accounting of what our children really need to grow into well-rounded, responsible adults with active bodies and brains, and what we might have been missing as a family because of trying to do too much. Perhaps what we really needed all along was less on our plates and more time with one another.
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